Asperger's and Me

Back in February, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Before that i was self-diagnosed, and i always thought, because of being such a hypochondriac, that none of my self-diagnoses were true. Never have i thought that i would find a diagnosis that would fit me so well. I do not have every symptom of Asperger's Syndrome and i am very high functioning. Some of my symptoms are truly subtle, and others are incredibly challenging. Strangely, i started this blog because something i did made me realize how different i am from other fellow human beings. Well, now i know why.

Ever since i was little, at least six, I have had the worst troubling socializing with my peers. In fact, every day after kindergarten through at least 6th grade, i would start crying profusely if my mom didn't pick me up right away from school or sunday school. I would get nervous and shaky after each kid would leave and i would slowly be left alone. Luckily, from 1st to 4th grade i was homeschooled and i didn't have to worry about being separated from home. Most of my childhood is blurry, but for the most part i was happiest when i was at home and with my family. I had only a few friends during this time from ages 6-10, and most were temporary. I remember i once broke off a friendship with one of my closest friends for some reason and just let my brother be his friend. I really didn't see the point of friends back then, i mostly liked playing by myself. When i did spend time with friends, i really did not enjoy hanging around more than one or two at a time. Consequently, i had a huge fear about going to camps or belonging to a sports team. I really dreaded going to sunday school and vacation bible school.

When i finally went to a school, i was in 5th grade. It was a Christian school with small classes and a small student population, but i still suffered from humiliation and a lack of good social skills. The good thing about a private christian school is that if a principal sees some kids picking on another kid, he or she will straighten them out and so will their parents. Here i was in a good position. I was initially picked on, but after awhile kids began to let me into their circle of friends, albeit unwillingly. I attained a good group of friends, and for awhile, i was a happy kid. Again, it is really hard for me to remember this time and my social struggles. But i remember that i was seen as a shy, funny guy with a unique sense of humor. I wasn't very good at sports, but i joined a basketball team that lost every game, and i joined track where i came in last every time. I was very good at video games, and i can see that as something that was present everytime when i hung out with friends. When i got this group of friends, it was nearly impossible for me to make friends outside of this circle. When i reached middle school around the 7th and 8th grade, i felt myself becoming more and more of an outsider among my adolescent friends. I remember i used to punch people in the arm as a way of saying hello. Now, this was considered rude and mean, and i didn't know why. I isolated myself from the others, because i knew i could never fit in again. I felt like the more i withdrew, the more people would feel sorry for me and let me back in their group again. Unfortunately, this didn't work.